Finding My Light
So, where do I begin? Well, sometimes in life, it takes disappointments to realize what you have and what you lost.
I lost a little bit of my glow in I lost a little of my light Friday, November 18, 2018, at 6:38 pm my grandmother passed. That week gearing up I watched as her health declined. There are some things you can get past yet; this was not one of them for me.
That loss still stings to this day. I’m thankful my mom was able to care for her and that I could spend time with her before her passing, but life is different. I had to remind myself that I needed to move forward. But what about the grief? I ignored some of it.
I did just that moving forward and even started therapy to deal with past trauma such as sexual abuse when I was a child, growing up in an abusive home, watching my mom be addicted to drugs, and growing up fatherless. Almost 2 and a half years later and I still had questions.
I always questioned God and asked him why me? Why should I still be resilient, still be happy, and still be a cheerful youth? I often say I couldn’t pick the family I was born into, and it wasn’t all bad.
There were moments where my family had a sense of normalcy when my grandparents would have family gatherings or Sunday dinners.
Those are times I really miss my family. Both of my grandparents have passed within the last 3 years and other close family members.
Grief has affected me in ways I didn’t understand. Grief reminded me that I needed closure on some of the experiences I went through as a child. Grief amplified things I thought I was over, like trusting people and being secure.
Once you experience sexual abuse by someone your family thought they could trust, it changes you.
Growing up, the trauma made me cautious, closed off, super aware of my surroundings, and easily frightened.
On the positive, it pushed me to be a light to others, care deeply, encourage others, and really focus on accomplishing many things with my life.
Now, I am back at that stage where I need to find my light again.
Reevaluate my shortcomings, the anxiety, and especially the insecurities to ensure I am going to be a great parent and mom.
Life will throw curveballs, twists, turns, bumps, and potholes in the road. If only all of it is to teach me a lesson, expand my way of thinking, and push me back into the light. If you are reading this and you may have had a day that wasn’t great, or your thoughts have been wayward, or you just aren’t feeling life right now.
Please know that you have a LIGHT, you were created to be a light, and you are a bright LIGHT to people you don’t even know that you have touched. This world needs you and your light.
I pray you feel inspired to write, find your light, take life on, and push forward despite what it sounds or looks like. One of my slogans for this year is God’s Got Us! I say “US” because we were not created to do life alone; as people, we have parents, siblings, loved ones, and friends.
Finding my light again is imperative to me. I hope it’s the same for you.
Embrace God, Love You, and Be Fashioned For Hem!